Dreaming
by DemonClowSorceress
Summary: Caskett. Sometimes, you can tell when you're dreaming. Sometimes, you only wish you were dreaming. Sometimes, you never want to wake up. K plus for some blood.
1. Lucid

**My first Castle fanfic! Just a little something I came up with since watching _Rise. _Please enjoy! I don't own the show or the characters.**

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><p>Beckett would later blame the heavy medications she was taking. She would blame the crash from the insomnia she'd suffered from since that first night she'd woken up in the hospital. She would blame exhaustion. She would blame traumatic stress. She would blame her own weakness. She'd even blame the solace afforded by her father's cabin with nothing louder than crickets chirping in the night.<p>

But for right now, she was willing to let all her shields and walls drop like wet card houses.

It was a lucid dream. She was sure of that. For one, she felt no pain. Pain was a constant companion of hers now; barely a week out of the hospital, ten days after being shot and operated on, damn right she was used to the pain. But here, there was no pain.

Two, her mother was there. Standing proud and tall, a tender smile on her face, wearing her good suit and pumps that made her look fabulous. "Katherine," she said. "My little Katie. How much you've grown."

Beckett didn't question the presence of a woman dead almost twenty years. She merely ran into her mother's embrace and held on tight. "Mom," she said, clinging tightly. "Mom."

"There there, Katie," crooned her mother, rubbing her back as the homicide detective's shoulders began to shake. "Hey now, no tears. You're alive, you should be happy."

"But you're not," Beckett said, pulling away with dry eyes. "You're dead."

Johanna Beckett nodded sadly. "I know, sweetie."

"It's not fair."

"No, it's not." She reached over to tuck a piece of hair behind her daughter's ear. "But it's happened, Katie. Nothing can change that."

"You shouldn't have died. Not you, or Roy, or Raglan." Beckett felt her throat begin to close up as she said those beloved names. "It shouldn't have happened."

"Katie, you should learn to let it go."

"I haven't put away the bastard who had you killed!"

Suddenly Johanna became the strong mother Beckett remembered. "Language, Katherine!" she admonished. "Now collect yourself. This is no time for rash behavior."

Chastised, Beckett pulled herself together. She looked at her mother. "Did it hurt? To die?"

Johanna shrugged. "It's not for you to know. What I can tell you is that it's final. You can never go back. It leaves a void, your death. To never be seen by the ones you love again."

Beckett thought of Captain Montgomery, never to see his daughters grow up. She thought of Royce, never to tease her again. She thought of all the victims who's murders she'd solved, never to walk in the light of day with their families ever again.

_"I watched you die in that ambulance." _She blinked. Why was Castle's voice suddenly echoing through her head?

"See?" Johanna nodded. "You came close to leaving forever, Katie," she said. "You came close to leaving that void among those who care about you. Your father. Your comrades." She gave her daughter a look. "Your partner."

Beckett glanced at her mother sheepishly, catching the tone of her voice. "There's nothing going on between us, Mom. Castle's my partner. He's shadowing me to write his Nikki Heat series."

"Katie, don't tell me you still believe that thin ploy," replied Johanna. "You were never that gullible, even as a child."

The slight insult stung a bit, but Beckett knew it was true. That was one of the things that made her such a good cop - she could smell bullshit a mile away, and her excuse stank worse than a garbage scow on the Hudson. She'd long discarded Castle's lame reason for staying as true. After all, he'd flat-out told her that he loved her.

But after that awkward confession that she was _never _about to admit that she heard, she wasn't above using "He's writing a series based on me" as a shield.

Johanna sighed. "You can't be afraid of of love forever, Katie."

"I'm not afraid of love," she replied instantly.

"Yes you are, Katie. You have been for a while." Johanna was gentle as she was honest. "You're afraid to let people in, to let them see past your defenses and get to know the real you. You're afraid of getting hurt when they leave you."

Beckett swallowed. Somehow, hearing her fears laid bare by her mother made them even worse to confront. The fact that her mother had been a lawyer probably added to that difficulty.

"But that Richard Castle is something else," Johanna said. An amused grin twisted her lips. "He's put up with you for so long, despite your demeanor. He's managed to worm his way into your heart."

"That's - ridiculous," Beckett sputtered. But her rebellious memory conjured up that moment just before the lights went out in the cemetary, the shouts and screams and sirens and Castle's whispered words of love. Those words that followed her into unconsciousness, that helped her wake up from the black - and what made her send him away with a vague promise of _I'll call you_. "He's an arrogant, selfish man-child on a constant sugar high who uses me and the 12th as his personal playground!" exclaimed Beckett hotly.

Johanna smiled knowingly. "And yet you haven't sent him away."

"Because the mayor would have my ass if I dared to boot out his precious Castle."

"You know, you used to love jumping off things as a kid," said Johanna suddenly. "Curbs, walkways, sidewalk dividers, steps - you'd just fall off and land with a laugh. Drove your dad crazy because he had to watch you." The younger Beckett frowned with confusion. "My point is, Katie, sometimes it's okay to fall. Because when you fall, someone's there to catch you. Castle is that someone. If you wait too long to fall, he may not be there to catch you."

Beckett couldn't help thinking about every other time Castle had been there for her. Straight from day one, he'd helped her solve cases in ways she wouldn't have considered. He helped broaden her range, opened her mind to places she hadn't found before, and led her into a world outside of just being a homicide detective. Even when he poked the ashes of her mother's case and called up her fury, he came back.

"He's a good man, Katie. Good for you." Now her mother was becoming the staunch lawyer who'd argue her point to the bitter end. "He's that rare soul who can understand why you are the way you are."

And he was, Beckett realized. He wasn't like Demming, who had to guess everything, or Sorenson, who made everything a competition. He wasn't like Josh, who was never there and therefore didn't realize why she'd come home exhausted and unwilling to talk about her day. Castle knew there were levels to her, layers to the Beckett onion that he'd never hope to peel back and examine. Most men would take that as a challenge, but not Castle. No, he just waited (okay, maybe he also poked and prodded a tad) to see what she'd show him with every new case. Sometimes she surprised him. Sometimes, she even surprised herself.

Her mother kept speaking. "He's already told you his feelings." That wasn't a question. "He could have brought it up at the hospital when you woke up. But he chose to wait. Do you know why?"

Beckett nodded. "Because I lied. He doesn't know that I remember everything."

"That is part of it," Johanna said, admitting the evidence. "But he's waiting for you to be ready. He'd wait for eternity, I think."

Beckett scoffed. "Yeah right."

Her mother raised an eyebrow but didn't correct her. "Just remember, Katherine Beckett. Just because he acts like an insensitive ass doesn't mean he isn't looking out for you."

"I know, Mom."

"Good." Johanna pressed a kiss to her daughter's forehead, and for a brief moment, Beckett could pretend that she was a kid again. "Now you know what you have to tell him. Sooner rather than later."

Beckett shot up in bed, breathing heavily as the early morning light streamed into her bedroom. She felt that her dream had been a really important one because she could still recall bits of it. Her mother had been in it. Quickly she tried to remember more...her mom had said something...she'd been upset, and patient...Castle...something to do with Castle...

The homicide detective frowned. Why had Castle been in her dream?

_Oh well, _she thought. _I'll remember it sooner or later_.

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><p><strong>Next chapter coming up!<strong>


	2. Nightmare

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Castle. _Dammit.**

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><p>It happened sooner than she thought.<p>

After all their hard work, they'd found him. They had followed the money, the files, the fire, the corruption. They found leads, secrets, storage vaults, hidden files, and the darkness that had birthed the man who ordered the deaths of so many people she held dear. It was a long, arduous, winding road peppered with hardships, but Beckett managed to find out who it was that had her mother and so many people killed.

And as always, Castle was with her every step of the way. Castle, who protected her. Castle, who grounded her. Castle, who loved her.

Castle, who saw the shooter and took the bullet meant for her. The bullet he couldn't catch last time.

And now she was the one who didn't notice until it was too late.

He'd jumped in front of her, and his body convulsed. They heard the gunshot after the fact. Esposito and Ryan quickly drew their weapons and went after the shooter as Castle, his eyes wide with shock and pain, looked down at the blood that covered his midsection.

"CASTLE!"

The scream exploded from her throat even as her body moved to catch him. Her hand moved to press against the bleeding hole in his abdomen, feeling his warm lifeblood pump through her fingers as his blue eyes rolled back in his head. His weight made her stagger, then drop to her knees. She gently lowered him to the ground and tried to stop the bleeding.

"Castle, Castle! Stay with me!" she shouted, slapping his cheek to make him open his eyes again. Resting his head in her lap, Beckett kept one hand pressed on his wound while she used her other hand to brush his hair from his eyes. "Don't go! Don't do this to me! Dammit, don't leave me!"

_You can't be afraid of love forever, Katie. _The words echoed in her head like a half-remembered dream, but she paid them no heed. With Castle bleeding out in front of her, she needed to concentrate on keeping him alive. She tore off her jacket and wadded it up, pressing the ball of fabric against the wound.

"Please Castle, please!" Beckett begged, practically sobbing. She could hear Ryan calling for an ambulance while Esposito handcuffed the assassin. But she tuned them all out, focused as she was on Castle. He was pale, too pale, and his face was going slack. "C'mon Castle, fight! Don't give up on me!"

That voice spoke again. _If you wait too long to fall, he may not be there to catch you._

"You listen to me, Richard Castle!" Beckett shouted. Her voice cracked on his name, but she pushed on. "You listen damn good. I remember everything about the shooting, Rick. I remember the gunshot. I remember you tackling me to the ground. I remember you begging me to stay with you. I remember you saying that - saying that - that you love me!" Fat, salty tears leaked from her eyes and dripped on his face like rain. "I lied when I said I didn't remember because I was scared. I was so scared of letting myself believe that you'd said that to me, that you'd meant it. I was afraid you'd hurt me. But I know you'd never hurt me, not on purpose, not for a half-assed run around the block. I knew you meant it, I knew it as soon as it left your lips."

_He's a good man, Katie. Good for you. He's that rare soul who can understand why you are the way you are._

"You get me, Rick. I don't know how you do it, but you understand me better than anyone." She choked a little, but forced herself to keep talking. As long as she talked, he had to listen. That's just how he was.

_He's already told you his feelings. But he's waiting for you to be ready. He'd wait for eternity, I think._

"I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to push you away anymore."

_Now you know what you have to tell him._

Beckett pressed her forehead to his and whispered, "I love you, Rick. I love you. Please, don't leave me!"

Those soulful blue eyes, clear as crystal, fixed on hers with a dying light. His lips parted as if to speak, but a wet cough just released more blood to spatter across her cheek. His eyes dimmed even more. She was losing him.

"Rick! RICK!" Beckett screamed as the medics swarmed around them. "Rick, please! We're close, we're so close! Just hang in there, please! Don't leave me! Don't leave me all alone!"

Castle seemed to gather some strength from somewhere deep within himself. Focusing on her, his lips moved silently. _I...I lo - _

"Detective, step aside!" Reflex made Beckett scoot aside to let the medics move in around the writer and do their job. But in doing so, she lost sight of Castle completely. Strong arms - Ryan's and Esposito's, she figured - kept pulling her back away from Castle. She fought the whole time, kicking and screaming her partner's name past the tears.

The medics strapped him to a gurney and hauled ass back to the ambulance. With a monumental effort Beckett threw off Esposito and Ryan and bolted for the vehicle, flying inside just as they were shutting the doors. "I'm riding with him!" she said, flashing her badge.

"You can't!" squeaked one medic.

Her eyes were blazing with rage, pain, and not a little desperation. "He's my partner!"

The medic was about to reply, but his partner shushed him. "I know you," he said, looking at Beckett. "Detective who got shot in the cemetary a few months back, right? I was on that ride too." He looked at the younger medic. "Let her be. If this is anything like last time, she just might keep him alive long enough for us to get him help." Glancing back at Beckett, he firmly ordered, "Stay out of our way."

Beckett nodded vigorously, taking Castle's limp hand in hers. It was already starting to get cold, so she chafted the skin between her hands. "Come on Rick, hang on," she said over the sirens and the EMTs. "You've gotta hang on, Rick. You have to. Please!"

She held onto his hand the entire time. Through the whole ride. Then when the back doors were thrown open, she raced alongside the gurney as they rushed him into the ER. She held his hand until the doctors ordered her to let go, and she watched in desperate terror as he was rushed into the OR.

The red sign flicked on, and she sat on the hard bench to wait.

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><p><strong>Suspense! Fear! Conclusion? Soon!<strong>

**Review and show your love!**


	3. Day

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Castle._**

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><p>It was hell waking up with pain in his side and a mask over his face, but Castle was ever-so-glad that he woke up at all. Blinking to clear his foggy vision, the writer tried to figure out where he was and who was in the room with him. But with the ambient light and his eyes still bleary from the anesthesia, he could only hazard guesses based on hair color and cuts.<p>

Short red hair? His mother. Long red? Alexis. Both were across the room, leaning against each other in uncomfortable plastic chairs and apparently asleep.

Straight black hair? Lanie, sitting with what looked like Esposito. They were very close, leading Castle to believe that they shared a chair.

But where was Beckett? Where was that long-haired brunette? Trying to look around without feeling too much pain, Castle couldn't see her.

But then he felt the warmth and weight on his hand, and looked down at his side. Long brown hair haloed around the face he'd come to see in his dreams, a face that lay beside her hands that clasped his own. She looked tired and worn and pale, but beautiful. Always beautiful.

"Mr. Castle?" His eyes flicked over to the doorway where a young doctor stood quietly. Entering the room without waking any of the occupants, he shined a light in Castle's eyes. "Your eyes are reacting to light well. Can you understand me?" Castle nodded slightly. "Good, that means no concussion or brain damage. Keep the mask on for a while longer, just to be safe. Other than that, you seem fine and well on the road to recovery. I'll be back later."

Again Castle nodded, showing his thanks as the doctor left as quietly as he'd arrived. But once he left, Castle scowled and decided he needed an unobstructed breath of fresh air. Reaching up with his free hand, the writer pulled off the breathing mask with a groan.

The noise and movement made Beckett react like a gun went off. She sat up straight in her seat, her eyes wide open and focused directly on Castle. When she saw his startled expression, those beautiful eyes started to glisten with tears. "Castle? You okay?"

"Well, now I know why you were so crabby after you got shot," he joked, grimacing in pain as his side twinged.

She grinned back. "Yeah, you're fine, wiseass."

Their banter woke everyone up, so Castle had to paste a smile on his face and reassure his mother and daughter that yes, he was fine, no he wasn't in pain, yes he was hungry, could they please scrounge up some decent food? Esposito and Lanie left with them, saying they would call the precinct and tell everyone that the writer was all right. Once they left, he slumped back against his pillow and sighed. "God, that hurts. Now that I know how a bullet wound feels, I can write about it accurately."

"Because God forbid you didn't take something away from this event," Beckett joked. Serious again, she leaned forward. "You need anything?"

For a moment, Castle was tempted to say nothing. But his drugged brain couldn't activate the filter between his thoughts and his mouth in time. "Clarification."

"About?"

"I'm going to assume that you got the guy."

Beckett nodded, eyes cold. "Yeah. Him and the guy who hired him to kill me, my mom...everyone. He's done."

"So...the cases are closed."

"Yes," Beckett replied, starting to look confused. "Castle, what's on your mind?"

Castle swallowed hard, steeling himself. _Now or never. _"I remember."

"The shooting? Castle, it'll pass, trust me."

"And after." Blue eyes met brown. "I remember everything, Kate. _Everything._"

The look in her eyes reminded him of a deer frozen in the sights of a hunting rifle. Poised for flight. He instantly regretted opening his mouth, but that soon passed.

She'd known about his confession as she bled out in the cemetary. She'd known all this time. He'd kept quiet out of the belief that she hadn't heard him, kept his feelings hidden to not scare her off, kept up his happy-go-lucky attitude without showing just how much he loved this stupid, impulsive, incredible woman. And all this time, she'd known.

He was understandably annoyed at being strung along like an ass.

After an unbearably long amount of time (really only a dozen seconds) Beckett nodded. "Good."

"Good?" Pain, both physical and emotional, made his voice caustic and sharp. "Good? You let me feel like an idiot for saying it and you not remembering, blow me off for three months, then come back and let me keep thinking you have no idea how I feel?" He tore his eyes from her face and glared out the window. "That's cruel, Detective."

"Hey, I had a lot to process at the time," she replied, defensive and hating it. _Since when do I explain myself to him? _she wondered. But she knew why - because he deserved to know. "I'd just been shot. I lost Captain Montgomery. I'd been through cardic surgery. It was easier to just pretend that the shock had given me temporary amnesia."

Castle refused to look at her. That broke her heart all over again. Swallowing past the lump in her throat, she continued, "Afterwards, I just...I got scared. I broke up with Josh because he kept blaming you for me getting shot. I just had to get away from it all. When I got back, I was so sure you'd still be there. But you weren't."

That had hurt the most, she realized. She'd expected Castle to be waiting at the precinct with coffee and open arms, and all she got was an empty chair beside her desk. She'd gotten used to him waiting for her. It never occured to her that he wouldn't be there.

It never occured to her that he'd leave.

"You weren't there," she repeated, "and I had no idea what to do. It felt like a part of me was missing, like there was a hole in my heart I hadn't noticed until I saw you were gone." Just thinking about it made her tense up. "It made me realize how much I depend on you, how much I rely on you...how much I care about you."

"You have an odd way of caring," was his terse reply. "Avoidance being the key way."

Finally Beckett lost her patience. "What do you want me to say, Rick?" she snapped, keeping her voice low so as not to wake the other people in the room. "You want me to say sorry? Then fine. I am sorry. God, I am so, so sorry for making you feel like a fool and an idiot and a gutless sap."

Angry sarcasm did what apologetic excuses failed to achieve. Castle swung his gaze from the window back to her. Beckett felt her breath catch in her throat when those crystal blue eyes caught hers in a glare that was both pissed and passionate. _How could I not tell that this man loved me? _she belatedly wondered. _How could I not see it, if he looked at me like that every day?_

"It's too late to say sorry, Kate," he retorted. "It doesn't matter anymore."

_This is it, _she thought. _He's done with me. He's going to leave too. He's going to - _

He reached over and took her hand in his. "I'm just so glad," he said honestly, a relieved smile breaking over his face. "Here I was thinking you'd cop out again."

Even stunned, her sarcasm reflex kicked in. "Cop out? Really? That's all you could come up with?"

"What? I thought it was punny."

She rolled her eyes. "Castle, you're - "

"Impossible?" he supplied. "Incorrigible? Unbelieveable?" A cocky smirk touched his lips. "Irresistable?"

Beckett felt her heart swell with love for this man-child who'd marched right into her well-ordered life, caused chaos and mayhem, and proceeded to make himself at home. She returned his smile. "Mine," she said.

His eyes widened comically. She giggled at his reaction. "What, you didn't think I'd say it?"

"We being truthful here? Then no, not really." Castle squeezed her hand. "But I'm glad you did. Now I don't feel like too big of an ass." He fell silent, a thoughtful look on his face. "Kate?"

"What?"

"There's something on your face."

"Huh?" Her free hand flew up to touch her face. "What? Where?"

"It's down..." She moved her hand. "No, left...right...Oh stop it, just come here. I'll get it."

Beckett frowned as she leaned closer. "Castle, what is it? Can you get it o-mmmmmph!"

His lips pressed against hers, and the homicide detective leaned forward unconsciously, her eyes fluttering shut. For a brief moment she flashed back to that cover kiss they pulled going after Lockwood, but that had been just a fake. This was real, true and really happening.

And _damn, _was he a good kisser.

When he pulled away, there was that cocky man-child grin on his face. "Got it."

Beckett was torn between smacking him and kissing him again. Pursing her lips in a pout, she opted to smack his shoulder, lightly due to his injury. "You better only do that with me," she said.

The cocky grin grew wider and more smug. "Always," he replied.

She leaned forward, her own smile playing along her lips. "Oh look, Castle," she said in a fake surprised tone. "You've got something on your face."

"Oh? Would you mind getting it, Beckett?"

"It might take a while," she replied. "It looks pretty stuck - "

He didn't wait. With a tug of her hand, he pulled her in for another searing kiss.

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><p>Grinning like a Cheshire Cat that found the creamery, Alexis shooed her grandmother and her father's friends down the hallway so as to let her dad and his partner keep their moment. "Let them be," she whispered once they moved out of earshot. She handed Esposito his cell phone back, displaying a picture of her father and Detective Beckett kissing. "And here. Got that."<p>

Esposito grinned as well, taking back his cell phone. "Excellent. Now I can show Ryan the evidence and he can collect our winnings from the pool."

"Better share some of that money with me," Lanie grumbled, poking her boyfriend in the side. "I lost money on those two."

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><p><strong>Thoughts? Review please!<strong>

**Just in case people are confused: The chapter titles are different types of dreaming (lucid dreaming, nightmares, day dreaming).**


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